Sunday, April 12, 2015

What I do know

I'm feeling very uncertain these days, plagued by anxiety, state assessments, and self-imposed censorship. 

I haven't written an actual post in a good while because I keep censoring myself. I think of topics that I would love to write about. The whole post usually comes to me when I am in the shower or driving somewhere and I can't stop to write it down. I've tried using voice recorders and note taking apps on my phone but those fail. And so does sitting down with a fresh post page open and the cursor blinking. I stare and stare at the page, hands poised over the keyboard. Nothing. It's partly because by the time I sit down to write I've spent the entire day with children and I'm exhausted. It's also partly because I start to worry about the people who might read this and be offended. So I don't write. 

My anxiety has flared up lately, causing me to resort to taking my break glass in case of emergency Xanax and contemplating finding a primary care physician to be able to refill the rescue meds and get back on maintence meds for this issue. 

State testing for my precious third graders is in a week. Pray for them and for all students taking these exams. We are all stressed and worried. 

That's all I've got for now. Hopefully I'll get over my censorship and write something real, soon. 

Until then. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

Sentimental Moment

I'm missing my mom more than I have in a while. I attribute it to the fact that it's the holiday season and the fact that I don't feel good. 

Trimming the living room Christmas tree on Black Friday made me sentimental as I hung up ornaments that had been collected over my lifetime, lovingly by my mother, each year a new ornament. Usually ornaments were customized with names and years, but some came as a theme, and simply have the year written on the bottom. It's a tradition my sister and I continued after our mom passed--each year we buy each other an ornament. This year we happened to buy each other the same one. Now the tradition has spread to Include my niece and a close friend or two. Each one has a story--it's magical.and it was because of my mom. I miss that part of the holidays... and I desperate want to know why 1990 was baby's third Christmas on the ornament when it was actually my 4th...

Sentimental hit hard today. I've been in a mood to purge stuff we no longer use, condense storage of items, and make room for the newest Christmas tree. In a box labeled TTU t-shirts (shirts I've saved for Tshirt quilts) I found my old planner. I can't toss them...I keep them, as sort of a record. I'm horrible with a diary or journal or blog, but the planner records time. The one I found today was black and white. And happened to be for the year of 2009, when my mom passed. It starts off chronicaling my flight back to Lubbock in January after I had my first surgery for my endometriosis ( my fourth surgery is on Tuesday), meeting Michael, dating him, each monthiversary is carefully marked. There are class information, reminding me of the days leading up to graduation, work scheduling information for the first church I worked at and for my last day at the CDRC. I can even tell you the exact date that Annie moved in with me (May 17th) not because I wrote it down, but because I wrote the work schedule for the job that I held for one day. I can also tell you the last day I saw my mom (July 5th) because of what I was doing, not because I wrote it down that way. I can recall graduation, starting my first big girl job at Roscoe Wilson, and throwing a party to remember my mom. All because of small snippets of my life I wrote on the pages of a calendar. While the pages hold facts, they recall the memories.

I am also missing my mom because I flat out don't feel good. Sure, we fought a lot, but she was always guaranteed to answer my late night phone calls when I couldn't sleep, when I didn't feel good, or just because. I desperately miss that. Talking to her I miss the sweaty hugs and kisses too (she was always sweaty... I think it was the medication). I miss her selflessness. I miss her laugh. I miss her raspy voice, deep from too many cigarettes. I miss the way she used to cut her own hair and wear old too big clothes so she could constantly give my sister and I what we needed wanted. 

It's been five and a half years since she passed and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday. And then some days it feels like forever. Forever... Especially when I think about what she missed on getting to be apart of with us here (I know she is always with me)... Graduations, weddings, jobs, and babies have all happened without her. And sometimes it's so hard to understand how time continues to march forward when someone you love dearly is gone. And the other times, I completely get it.

I've cried for her tonight, while writing this. When she first passed, the tears were frequent, daily. And as timed passed they've become much less frequent, happening only on nights like tonight, when I am tired and sentimental and hormonal. Don't be sad for me, because it's more often that not now how I smile in her memory. Mostly I think about how she would have spoiled my niece and how dad would've been broke. And how she would be proud of me and my sister for he work we do each day. And how she'd reassure me that three Christmas trees isn't ridiculously.

And how she'd be really ticked off that my dad has RJ...

Love you mama.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014


I'n suffering from intense pain from my endo/cyst/adhesions which means I have an overwhelming amount of time to sit and just chill. Because it's obviously hard to sometimes even stand. But we are down to 14 days from my surgery and I can't wait. I noticed today there are some things that have been bothering me, so I'd figure I'd share.

1. Cyber bullying 
I love the Internet and the community that it can bring, but seriously let's stop with the cyber bullying. I'm a member of a 3000+ community on Facebook, which is awesome (Holiday card exchange, secret Santa, etc) but sometimes it's too much. It's supposed to be a community that is supportive of each other, but lately there has been a large amount of catty fights, breaking people down, and accusing people of asking advantage of others. And then there are the nasty fights about the leggings are not pants debate. To be honest it's like being back and high school and well... PASS. Grow up and act civilized on the Internet. Please.

2. My bank is dumb.
My local branch of Bank of America has been sold to a local regional bank, which is fine. I figured I would just keep doing my banking on the Internet because debit cards and smartphones have drastically reduced the need for me to use a teller, or even an ATM. Bank of America has been great and lots of accounts are linked and payments drawn. And I decided that if I absolutely needed to go to a teller, I could drive to Ennis. But I got an email telling me that my account will automatically transfer to the the new bank. EXCUSE ME?! No!!!!! So now I have to fight with the bank, because they feel they can make choices for me. Not going to work. I'm like one of the final five cylons--- I'm rogue, with my own agenda.

3. Online shopping
I usually don't do my holiday gift shopping online. I like to physically pick out items, support brick and mortar store, and I like the instant gratification from getting to take the item with me. But this year I did all my shopping on Amazon. With the exception of a couple of things that were sold out or sold out before I checked out, I'm done shopping. But now I have to wait for my items, all of which were paid for as one big transaction but charged on my card as 5 smaller transactions and will ship as 5 different packages.

And I am also upset about price gouging on items. I was looking at ordering a certain item in a certain color. However, the certain preferred color is $20  more than the two other colors and currently out of stock. Bah!

What is your current first world problems?

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Endometriosis Update

 I wrote here about the silent suffering I've been going through. I try to not let it get me down, but this last Friday aka Halloween, it was bad. People at work told me that I should put some pep in my step. But I just didn't have any to give. Thankfully, I made it through the day.

On Thursday, I went to the see the specialist in his swanky Dallas office. After a consultation and exam, it's been decided that I will once again have a laparoscopy and hysterecopy. December's surgery will make the fourth one that I have had in the last six years. In fact, it'll be the seventh surgery since 2007, the 6th abdominal surgery. Michael jokes around that I have few organs left that can be removed.

Dr. Putman believes it's time for a clean up, and I also have a cyst the size of a tennis ball in my left ovary. Between now and December it will either grow or burst. It's causing a portion of my discomfort (which is rendering me bedridden and loopy, not the meds). If it's still there, he'll drain it, but I'll know before the surgery if it ruptures. If it does you find me crying and clutching the heating pad. 


I had to call Friday to schedule the surgery, and was able to do it for a time that will minimize the amount of time I'm off work. It's going to be on December 16th. I'll miss 3 1/2 days of work, plus have the 2 weeks of Christmas vacation to recover. I'll have to get most of my holiday shopping and decorating done early this year.

I am a little defeated about this one--typically I have between 20-24 months between surgeries from my endometriosis/adhesions. First was in December 2008, then September 2010 (21 months), June 2013 (33 months), and now December 2014 (18 months). Dr. Putman did say it's usually 18-22 months between these things, and I'll be right at 18 months... Almost to the day.

The other discouraging piece of information was Dr. Putman telling me that we need to start saving up for fertility treatments (which my health insurance will not cover). I'm vaguely aware how much these things cost, and oh my word.

If you've undergone fertility treatment (and were either successful or unsuccessful) how did you pay for it? Did it require turning tricks? A second mortgage? Leave a comment and let me know! I'm very curious!